I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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