apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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