I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
