i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
