i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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