I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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