Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
