mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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