He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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