Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
