His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
