I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
