in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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