Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
