she told me i tasted like america
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just gargled with NyQuil
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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