drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
