Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
