I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
