My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
