I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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