What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
