Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
