Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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