It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
