Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I can't turn off my feet"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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