Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
