I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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