last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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