You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Couch. On fire.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
