I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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