...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
