Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
