worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
