I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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