My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize