I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
