Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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