It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
