I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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