Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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