just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
