Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
