I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
That accounts for only three of the penises
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
