What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
