I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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