My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
God, I missed his penis.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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