When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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