I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
