okay pat passed out under dana's car
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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