rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
