I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
