Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
