why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
