WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
