When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you had me at cake vodka
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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