It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
