omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize