I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
