You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
