i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
