I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
